Sunday Jokes

Top Ten Signs You're On A Bad Spring Break

10  Day 6 of vacation and your U.S. Air flight still hasn't left the Hudson

9   The "meal plan" is anything that washes ashore

8    Instead of a mint, maid leaves note on your pillow which reads,   "Run!"

7    Hotel overlooks the strip -- the Gaza Strip

6    The beach is famous for its beautiful white sand and deadly stingray attacks

5    Couldn't get beer, so everyone gets intoxicated sucking a Pontiac tailpipe

4    Several things in your room are marked "evidence"

3    Perfectly good week at beach is ruined by giant fire-breathing lizards

2    Only person you've seen naked is the maintenance guy Eduardo

1    Your girlfriend finally puts out, just not with you

Top Ten Signs Your Stockbroker Is Losing It 

10   His "office" is in the patio section at Wal-Mart

9    Assures you President McCain will lower interest rates

8    Buys 15,000 shares of a company called "Gogle"

7    He has a seat on the Bayonne Stock Exchange

6    When you ask him what he thinks about the market, he does this: "meow"

5    Last week, got into a shouting match with his calculator

4    Claims to be the bastard child of Merill and Lynch

3    When the opening bell rings, he screams, "Fire!"

2    Makes you call him "mommy" so he can list you as a dependent

1    During the day he handles your money; at night he handles your wife

Top Ten Things Abraham Lincoln Would Say If He Were Alive Today 

10   "Sup?"

9    "I see Madonna's still a slut"

8    "Who's that handsome sumbitch on the five?"

7    "Is that free Grand Slam deal still going on at Denny's?"

6    "I just changed my Facebook status update to, Tthe 'ol rail splitter is chillaxing'"

5    "How do I get on 'Dancing with the Stars'?"

4    "Okay, Obama, you're from Illinois, too. We get it!"

3    "Hey Phelps, don't Bogart the weed!"

2    "What's the deal with Joaquin Phoenix?"

1    "A Broadway play? Uhhh, no thanks. I'm good."